Posted by: Utkarsh | May 1, 2008

For Her…

This walk had something unprecedented. I sensed the energy, the passions and the silent communion between us. This togetherness was unfelt before. Walking down the road at 7p.m. to have a coffee was much like breathing. But this evening had the air in it. Our hands touched and talked. But ineffective and speechless were we two mortals. Sometimes its the silence which says it all. And when it doesn’t, there’s nothing brewing.

The mind groped for answers within. But in vain. As there were none. As there was an abysmal pit. As they had to come from her. But humans as we are, dementia, or whatever it is which defines our existence, makes us run after the unattainable. Much like rowing in the sea, against the shores, to feel the sun at the other end. And then two things remain constant, we keep on rowing and the sun remains. Mockery is all I can do at my frenzy mind. Its insane.

The coffee shop was fast approaching. We sat on the same seats as we used to. She liked sitting beside the wall, and I liked that too as then it was her which I could only see. God I just felt that moment would never end. She had a hint of uncertainity on her face. And my mind was bursting out with explanations, assurances and vows. But silence was mightier than words……. yet again. We talked gibberish while we sat….. howz life goin’ … that movie she saw…. that game I played…. a new dress she bought and whatever that could come in my mind….. literally…. “whatever”. There are times when sanity gives in to pulchritude. This was one of those typical spectacles which you behold before the peak. We payed the bill, and were on the road again. She wanted to be alone. I also wanted to…. with her.

There are these hunches which your mind plays. Truly meaningless, without any sane rationale and out of the blue. But they make you more certain than your own being. I had one while we were returning to the hotel. I felt she would approve. I saw her wiping her tears. I couldn’t say a word. I was too apprehensive or probably not so mature to soothe. The heart was heavier than earth. Both of us knew….. I dunno what… but something… something which kept us both quiet. The hotel approached. She took the keys for her room and went away without even saying a word. But I sensed it…. through my sixth or seventh or whatever sense you might want to call it. I never saw her before, until that day, with a smile on her face & with tears in her eyes. She said it all. Without even uttering a word. She was too afraid or probably too shy. This is the power of silence.

I went to my room. With that strange feeling. What now ? What if ? Never realized when I climbed 3 floors. Out of mind. Blank… yet Fraught. Insane… yet thoughtful. Unaware of what to do.

And then……. the most obvious thing happens. My cellphone rings. Its her.

With a flair of charm and with the air of apprehension she says the first three words ….

And I sit there…. just asking her to repeat… till eternity comes.

This post is indeed… “for her”

Posted by: Utkarsh | April 29, 2008

A Tale of Allegiance

It all started with that night…

The rain was intense. God showed no mercy on the one beneath. I was standing in front of one of those typical dimly lit beer shops( where you normally see the owner passed out) with a bottle of beer in my hands. Don’t know how many I already had before that. I tried having a shelter below the broken tin roof and gaped at the dark street in front of me. I was vacuous. Just this one thought shrouding my dark psyche like an intransigent cloak. It was ghastly, melancholy, and in some way good for what happened a few minutes ago. I do not delve. They, whoever and wherever they are, know what I say here.

My “stuck” eyes wandered. I had one of my intimate friend standing beside me. The narrow shelter made him drip. But he wasn’t a crab. He had never been one. He didn’t verbalize while he stood there. I just called him once when I came out of the phone booth to come for a booze when he had no reason to. And there he stood. Not even knowing why he was even there. But he WAS…. and thats what mattered. A few moments ago I was blown away with that shrewd simper which often tells you what big fat sack of shit you are. But here I was not alone. As the shop closed, he held me by my shoulder, as I was unable to walk by then, and took me to a small “dhaba”. I was starving since morning. (Dunno how did he know that) We ate in silence. And then….. I figured the pregnant acceptation. He was “the” comrade. The one… who conceived the unfathomable stillness.

Elucidation has not always been a weapon. Not for confidants. Silence has. And he had this virtue.

I realized that what I lost, was inutile and worthless to what I was blessed with. I went to bed in peace.

And it all ended with that night..

Posted by: Utkarsh | April 9, 2008

Love … as I see it.

How does that feeling of being the world’s greatest painter makes you feel inside? Even though you know that all you have drawn is a bunch of random lines and probably what would best be called as “Scribbled” with different colors on the crumbled page.

How does that feeling of being the most talented student in your class makes you feel even when you stand at “some” point in class where your teacher would probably not even know your name.

I know it feels great. And you might be thinking how useful these false thoughts and fantasies could be. I am talking about those days when we used to be in our Kindergarten or probably above. When we had a world of our own. Our own desires, our own dreams. And just one ray of hope which helped us accomplish those wildest of fantasies. It was our parents. Be it having a vanilla ice cream with an orange bar or even having questions whose answer even God did not know. Every moment in our life was a discovery and our parents were the one who helped us discover things around us. That urge of curiosity which triggered every second never made them irritated or made them give the wrong answer to shut us up.

I still remember the days when we used to play cricket and I always used to hit a six whenever my Dad bowled and got out on duck when I played with my friends. I understand it now…. Oh yes I do. And now I smile when I think of it. I used to come back home with a dull face and my Dad used to take me to the lawn to have me bat so that I can regain my so called confidence. That is the kind of patience and diligence and love and what not… I talk about here. Even now when I get a job offer from some crappy company, or get a B- instead of an A I never hear a word of discouragement from them. I dunno how they say or what they say, but it always makes me feel better, makes me feel confident.

This makes me wonder what are WE doing to make them happy, make them free of all the worries, and make them feel that ” We are there….with them.” It feels so bad from inside when my Dad calls me with a problem that he has been getting this Virus Definition alert from the computer time and again, or he getting tired standing all day outside in the sun having our house white-washed. The solution might be as small as clicking on that stupid balloon near the task bar and click OK to download the virus definitions or having him sit inside the room and me having the house painted standing outside. But its just that I am not there to help him out with these tiny little situations. When I find myself so far far away from them, it hurts a little inside. I know I am doing this to have a better life ahead, earn lots of money and eventually be “able” to live with them, and be a part of all the troubles all the worries they might possibly have in their life. But what about now? What about this present moment? Am I not able?

The most essential thing which I feel we can give our parents is to be with them…. be with them when they need us the most. This is what I think. This is what my Mom always tells me whenever we chat online. That all she wants now is to be with the family. Such a low key affair in return to what they have given us all through their lives. This is the kind of love I talk about here which never asks you for anything, just keeps telling you to be safe, happy and sound.

They’ve always been there when we’ve needed them. And I am determined to repay( though I can never in my life… or in my seven lives ahead.. if there are) each and every single bit of it with all the happiness I can, all the fun I can by just “being there” now when “They” need us.

Posted by: Utkarsh | March 23, 2008

Desires

How free are we really today. How often do we do things WE really want. I dont think its too frequent.

While walking down the vista near the design building at my university, I just wondered. How is that feeling of doing something amazing, something which your heart always wants to do. Be it just running across the street and shouting on the top of your lungs after getting your first job offer, flunking school to sit and relax some day, or even trying out for an exam even though you know you would fail, but giving it just because you always wanted to. This might sound a bit stupid but just peep into yourself and see if that urge exists. I am sure it does. It is just that we don’t follow it. Why ? No one knows.

For me the most important thing a person does in life are things what he really wants( and i talk about the positive things ). I cant explain it more. Maybe having a bit extra spice in your food someday even though your doc forbids you, partying late that one time even if your parents dont allow, studying overnight even though you know you might get a migraine attack the next day or even trying for something unachievable. I don’t know. I guess I can go on and on. It really doesn’t matter. Cuz its you who has to decide what you really want to do. And its not at all related to your career, your prospects, your exams and all those bullshit. Its just “something”. Its just that one time, that one time, when you should allow that feeling to sink in that you followed what your heart wanted. No one understands. Really, no one would ever do. No use elucidating. Its your eccentricity which defines it.

Life is short. And I’m not being pessimistic. It really is for people who enjoy it. And what do we do with it? We end up following not what WE want, but what others around us want. We keep ourselves busy to pacify others rather than soothing our own spirit. And please, that is nothing philanthropic I am talking about. Instead I find it stupid. Because you never realize your deeds. You just keep doing it, just following what others say to you, just being that one sheep in a gigantic herd. I know its not always black and white. But sometimes you gotto make it, just to at the least know what you as a person want.

Last week I did something which my heart desired. I ended up hurting a couple of people whom I did not even care about, but still, I am not one of those. My friend helped me take that decision. He made me realize how important it is to follow your own dreams which you have in life. I was afraid that I am not being considerate. This is not how I have been. No Absolutely not. But then what followed was something inexplicable. Something which only I in this whole world experienced. That sense of pride. That sense of confidence of being “able”. That sense of happiness and control. I know that this was something important for my life ahead. But this post is not only about “those big things”. Its also about those small and tiny little situations where you get stuck almost daily and end up letting go of what you wanted to with them. Either being idealistic, being so called philanthropic, or even being foolish. What I realized before writing this post was that these type of circumstances keep occurring in our diurnal life. Every day, every moment. When there is something which just binds you in its own. That very thing which you want. But you do not follow it because of some or the other reason.

This not something we should be doing, is what I think. I don’t aspire to be selfish. I wish to always help people and to always do good things in life. But I also want not to forget that dormant urge which resides within me. And asks me for a couple of seconds from my own life. Cuz instead of doing any harm, it brings a feeling of pride, makes me happy. I have experienced it and that is what makes me write all that I have.

While walking down the vista near the design building at my university, it just occurred to me that I was there to have an SLR camera checked out from my IT services department. I know I don’t do photography. I know I don’t have that ‘eye’ in me to click those scenic snaps which you find on those yearly calendars. But still………… I am there……….cuz I realized that I wanted to.

Posted by: Utkarsh | February 22, 2008

Abstracts

I wont start this post by saying “It was long overdue… ” No I Won’t. I beleive its the thought process as to how much time it takes to really materialize into something which is concrete and expressible. I know there have been lots of happenings since the time I really wrote something. And there are even more which are happening now. Hard to really handle even a few of them.

This internship crap is on now for quite a while now. No Really. From applying in companies, to getting opportunities , to turning into interviews, to waiting for results and eventually turning to bullshit. No no !! I am really not exaggerating. I get an offer. Still I apply. I get more interviews. Those go well. But now I am in a dilemma that if I get selected in another one how will I refuse the offer I already accepted? But then, one of the opportunities I was thinking would come, din’t actually. So I am back.. But then again…. phone calls.. interviews.. And again the same dilemma… But why should I even think about it when i have not gotten any other offer. Heh heh ..!! Being optimistic ???? No I’m not.. Still What if ??!@##$$% And in the end… I tell my mind…. just S..H…U…T………..UP

I have been planning to buy a laptop for quite sometime now. Sitting in my design class and also seeing others in the lab, inspired me to look into MACs. I really loved them. The sleek design, the cool look, the milky white colors… and everything. But i missed one thing… the COST.. yes it was equal to what I earn in a month in this RA I have. And the most imp thing…. the software on which my thesis was going to be in the times to come was not compatible on a MAC… So that made me a bit discouraged towards them but I was still researching … And it was just yesterday when I decided to hell with it and buy a PC because my pocket allows it… and so I was determined. But again in that stupid design class someone told me “Hey you can always dual boot a MAC and load windows on it” And then the thots began…. So I can dual boot a MAC… hmm Ok… so if I am able to put windows on it my problem of that software is gone… Hmm that means I can buy a MAC… but hey… why the hell should I put some crappy windows on an awesome MAC??? Won’t that be stupid??? Why not buy a PC half the price….. Hmm that means I cannot buy a MAC… But if I buy a MAC I would get that cool interface and stuff… But why the hell do you want to put windows when u r buying a MAC…. !@#$%^&*&*((( And then I tell my mind.. .Shut the F*** up… And now I am “again” determined to buy a PC.

I also sometimes wonder that where do these aspirations and ambitions which a person has takes him or her. How far do they go in life… How successful they are. With little thought I come to the conclusion that it definitely takes them to new heights, transcending boundaries of thoughts and reaching new altitudes… And yes… It is definitely not easy. Its like rowing your very small wooden boat in the middle of a gargantuan sea, against the shores, against the wind. Yeah I know its tough !!..

But there is something which they do not realize while they row away. “Something” very significant. “Something” which actually made them capable of having that boat and be able to go and sit on that. “Something” which taught them HOW to row a boat in a wild sea without fail. “Something”, at the least, which told them “Its a boat” before they even knew it was. And the irony of the matter is that they use the same skills to get away from that “something” which in reality made them capable of doing it. With every stroke they make in that wild sea they get far away from that very own. They get far away from the “shore”. Yes the shore is what I am talking about…. And do I even write more about this ?? I guess No….

Really lots of things happening….. And in the end they all start making sense… Be it the internship thingy, as to I’ll go where I am destined to, no matter how much I beat about the bush. Be it the laptop stuff, where I know I’ll end up buying a PC (something inside me keeps telling me) or be it the Going away from the shore thing… where I know that I would definitely return to that “something”.. and that would be pretty soon.

Posted by: Utkarsh | November 17, 2007

truth

It’s high time when I should start seeing the world in a different way. Not close my eyes to reality and go deep down inside and see things which have already passed. It is painful though, but if it is the truth then be it.

I get up at 7:30, have tea, take a bath, go to office, chat, code, email, and do everything else much like diurnal chores. The next day is no different than any other. But there is this thing which always keeps going. That dormant thought. I let it stay there.

The chores are mundane. No doubt. Every now and then I coerce myself to find some bliss in things I do, in things I perceive. I try to live in the present. But actually I live in falseness as I force myself in doing things I don’t want. And so this is not what I call living in the “truth” . Or is it? I still think.

It is hard coded that if you compel yourself in doing things you don’t want to, you actually run away from the truth rather than accepting it. But then again if by forcing yourself in believing something you don’t want, lets you live in the present moment, you live in the truth. Because it is the “present” which everyone says is the truth. Huh!! One word so many faces. You cannot be at one place physically and think about another. So even if you run away from the truth by reluctantly doing things you don’t want to, you actually in other ways accept it. Another anomaly. Sometimes I just sit and wonder how many different meanings could a 5 letter word encompass.

Truth is what you see at any instant of time; which is in front of your eyes and not in your mind which anyways drives you crazy. Will not talk about it much. There is much I’ve said. Truth is believing in your present and not running away from it even if it makes you do stuff you actually hate. Its hard, I already mentioned. Truth is something which you don’t wish to believe but you have to. Truth is fate. Truth is destiny. Truth is what I’m not. Truth is what apparently e’one else is. Truth is what happens “now”. Truth is what happens in the real world and not what goes on in your “frenzy mind”.

Lately I’ve made a resolution of seeing the world from the truth’s eye. I’ve tried with all my strength to shut my mind’s vision not letting it wander around. But I just hope it used its eyes.

Now when I work, I work, when I chat, I chat, when I code, I code. I “try” to live in the present. I do not tend to think about that dormant little thought……. that other bank of the river. Cuz thats not the truth. And as I write this my hands shake and my heart palpitates. And then it makes me wonder. Is it the truth I write ?

Posted by: Utkarsh | November 17, 2007

I looked back yesterday

Going through the pages of my so called “personal” diary yesterday, all I was doing was laughing at none other than myself. They seemed to be quite funny to me at that point of time. I tried reading a couple of them. “Exams finished today and I went to Rovers with my friends”. “I made my team win a cricket match”, “Got a beating for not completing the homework” and on and on and on.

It then makes me think that how important small things were. How significant was it to get a “V. V. Good” in your sentence completion assignment and then coming back home and shouting your lungs out until the whole neighbouhood knew about it.”Those were the days” is what the cliche sounds. Yes those really were.

And as I turned the pages and switched diaries those assignments started getting transformed slowly and steadily into real life challenges. Then came the pain and agony. I read some more. “I failed in my second year exam and my parents had to bear the brunt” That moment was painful. I was even able to visualize myself, while I read that excerpt, standing at the door of that professor’s cabin, doing nothing while my Dad and Mom were listening what actually I deserved. All I did was to stand in humiliation and curse myself for hurting those people who cared for me more than anyone could ever have on this earth. I knew that I had to fill up the blanks ……..not of the sentences this time but of the patches which were tryina ruin my life. And now I am glad that I did.

There was everything written in white and black in those diaries. Sacrifices for friends, getting a Mechanical Engg project done( leaving aside my own ) jus cuz you are good at typing and you get a good treat ( a chai and a bantaak… thats what we used to call our canteen biscuits :P ) for doing their 2000 words, or even sitting on the first bench in the HOD’s class after having a deadly hangover.

Aah!! those times are over now. There were both good and bad ones which used to come every now and then and shroud my diurnal activities at their will. And it is really overwhelming now to look back and see how i failed in some did good in others.

As I was entangled in these wonderful memories, I got a call from my brother asking me to cook the dinner as he would be late from office that day. I slowly got up. And when I did I suddenly realised that I wasn’t holding any of the diaries in my hand. I was just sittin on the couch bare handed. What was it then? How did i just leaved through the pages which defined almost my entire life? Thinking. Thinking. And do I understand now? No that can’t be. I comprehend but then I deny. Is it really… Na ..No… No way..!!!

In the end no matter how reluctant I am to accept, but it was again …. yes even u guessed it… “my frenzy mind”.

Posted by: Utkarsh | November 11, 2007

my frenzy mind….. comes to peace

Would this ever even stop? Its really been quite a while since my mind has started making heedless moves of its own. I call it frenzy and insane. Huh!! But who am I blaming. Its mine after all.

It is indubitably static as hell while being inside my head. But man you got to see the twists and turns it makes. Giving you a ride from the day you came to your senses to the day when probably you’d leave them. It wants to be in places. But that isn’t the problem. The problem lies when it wants to be in multiple places, with multiple people at every instant of time. I keep finding ways to satiate its thirst but in vain. Multiple emotions. Bliss, Sadness, Astonishment and every little thing which now define someone’s life. But boiling down to one. It looks for answers. That is all what it needs right now. And this makes it mad. Isn’t it crazy? Shall I call it restlessness? But then what do I call the state when I used to go for my semester exams. This one is something way above. I perceive it to be jaundiced and insatiable. Even while writing this entry I dunno how many times have I deleted stuff I never intended to write but dunno how it was coming out automatically.

But then suddenly something just the opposite happens. The mind sees a ray of light emanating from the end of the dark tunnel of thoughts. The random motion stops. Its eyes are now looking towards it. But how is this possible? How can an untiring and dissatisfied thing get stuck somewhere? I think it has found something. Something where the peace resides. I look in desperation. It now gets more and more peaceful, much like a wild animal getting to rest after seeing his master. I realize something.

I now know what it wants and where it wants to be. I’ll say it again as I said in my previous post; it is the other side of the river bank where it wants to be AND I’ll say it again as I said in my previous post that being such a weak and ineffectual mortal, there is little I can do.

So finally the mind finds an answer, and when it does, its meaningless.

Posted by: Utkarsh | November 9, 2007

…someday I Will.

The grass doesn’t always “seems” to be greener on the other side. It certainly sometimes is.

Its like 2 banks of an unfathomable and an unending violent river where I stroll alone on one of them. Kicking the wet mud, unaware that it is dirtying my own feet. Its loneliness I behold all around and inside me. With all the power I have left, I dare to look up and see the opposite bank where once I belonged. Trust me, its not at all simple. I see lights, I see bliss, I smell the air which made me feel at home… and I see friends. And then the head slowly bends down on its own. The more I see the more it pains, always killing me a little inside.

The heart cries out in pain and urges audibly to cross the callous river. But no one listens. Even I tend to give a deaf ear to it as I know that a weak mortal as me can do little about it. A human being, no matter how acute and wise has he been described by the sagacious clan, has actually been according to me, the weakest. Time just flies by, things happen as they are supposed to, everything just occurs in a flurry, and there “he” stands on the bank of the river, helplessly seeing the moves. He knows that its futile to even ask “it” to stop. ‘Cuz it won’t. They say to keep control of your time. I just laugh at them. I’ve seen time passing by in the blink of an eye. Its always in a hurry. Specially when you are enjoying it.
Baffled and entangled in these thoughts I decide to leave. Eventually turning my back to the place my heart wants to be the most. My hopes fatigued, feet full of dirt and sand but still kicking the wet and guiltless sand. Suddenly there is this feeling which asks me to look behind. I turn my head backwards to take a last look on the place I call paradise. It’s far….. not in terms of distance but in terms of the times to come when I’d be there. But this time I look with much more power, with much more aspirations and with much more sanity.

I am aware its far. I keep looking. I know that I do not belong there. But I also know, that there is something inside, though very exiguous and dormant at this point, but able enough to make me see tomorrow’s sun, which tells me and my mind that no matter where I stand and no matter if I do not form a part of that place now…….there would be Someday when I will.

Posted by: Utkarsh | October 15, 2007

In Search

Here I stand in the middle of a dimly lit room. Broken floor and tainted walls. A door at the far end. A lamp hanging from the damped ceiling. The bulb flickers intermittently, struggling to glow. I look up to it, and simper; comparing its weak efforts to those of mine.

I introspect myself when i realize that I lack something in me. I lack expression. I lack revelation. I lack words. Not ‘cuz I don’t have them in me. But because i lack the power of boiling down to a few. The irony of the plight is that i am not alone in the room. I am surrounded…. not by voidness but by things i look for all around: Words. It really becomes hard in these times, but still………….. I smile. I smile not because i am audacious enough to face this but i smile at the perplexity my mind is in. I look for, what is all around me. There are a plenty of them. All explaining my state in some way or the other. I still search.

I lean forward and I pick one. But thats not enough. I need more. Its absolutely not powerful enough to define my state of mind. I pick a couple of them more. But no, I am still in dearth. The heart calls for. I am in a panic. I see myself fanatically collecting more and more words hoping to have all which really would delineate my frenzy mind. But the more i collect, the less i feel. But I still search.

The heart aches to write something. But there is so much. So many words out there which describe what i feel now. The times in the last week when I was unable to concentrate on my work. Or when I was in a nostalgic mind thinking about my friends in India. Or the times i spent while i worked. Or about the last night when i was walking all alone on the road in the dark cold night waiting for people i respect to come out and just ask me what I am there for. Or when my closed ones left me all alone (for people they hardly know) in this room where i sit. No its not at all easy. There are so many of them. I still search.

Its like an ocean in the mind. The tides bring so many dark things and hit the shores. But by the time you are over with those, the next one comes and fill you mind with their own. The effect is cumulative. What to deal with? This one? That one? The mind lacks discernibility. And in the end, it ends up with all of them. This is the time when it lacks expression and goes in an eternal quest. Not because it lacks words to express, but because there are innumerable. And so, I still search.

Really. I don’t know how do people live by not letting their emotions out by writing something they think. For me, it keeps building up and a day comes when it explodes. Meanwhile, I take some time out to see my collection. “Desolate”, “Bereaved”, “Gloomy”, “Lamentable”, “Agitated”. They all describe what I am, at a single instance of time. Sounds strange to me and to every sane mortal. I still search.

But the questions remains. Am i satisfied? No, I am not. I have little energy left in me. No hope. No aspirations. With a half hearted soul I lean my hand forward to pick up some more. I see “Bliss”. Though this rarely forms a part of my life now, but it still Does. And when i try to reach it, the weak bulb goes off. It gives up on me. And the “bliss” I was looking for vanishes in the “dark”.

I still search.

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