Posted by: Utkarsh | August 14, 2008

Depression, Love, Life, People, Friendship & Everything else

No thoughts. No concept. Just a cloak of darkness acting as a veil on the numb mind. “Depression” is what they call it. And I just smile seeing them define these myriad of thoughts in single word.

Love is not something to be felt or touched or sensed. Its in the air. Not a cliche again but I believe it is. People are so hasty that they don’t see it. Wait and you behold. The very beauty and the very essence of it.

Life is vacillating these days. It looks for the bliss within. But “within” is a hollow creature which has forgotten everything. Listless, incapacitated and tired. Everything outside is heaven. But its the “within” which is averse to such contemplation. I do not tend to blame it. Its me . My thoughts and my ideas. It makes me think. Am I free. Or yet again, like every living mortal, I too am in shackles of the “material” world.

New People new hopes and new expectations. The inside is tumultuous. Do I even have to care about it. Or do I have to even compare them with the comrades Ive had and still have with me. Friendship is not about comparison. Its like love. Its happens and you sink in. Nothing superficial nothing exegetic.

In these times the only thing you remember is your confidants, who have that inconspicuous power of bringing smile to your swollen face. You talk to them once a year and it becomes a lifetime. A lifetime which you wish to live again and again.

Words have become my blunt, rusted  and deaden sword. Contending to fight the mighty  “being”.  But its too as weak and disqualified as its master.

When do I return ? Return to the days I loved. Those very lifetimes, when the “within” was joyous. I sail with the wind, with the tides. That’s all this “breaking apart” mortal could do. And now I realize. Its void within. Everything. Anything. I anticipate times when I change the sail to ride against every prognosticable event that defines my existence, my very being. As this is who I am, who I was.

I lament no more. The mind stops and the heart pumps.  Its the “within” again. After me. All over me.

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Responses

  1. Well .. .this ones is gud as well .. i must say.. shows the confused and empty state of ur mind.. trying to decipher where u r and where u wish to be

  2. Dear Utkarsh,
    After a long time…I was wondering where you were. I check you out ever so often. Some times days and even weeks seem full of sadness, listlessness….but the good news is – they pass, they certainly will pass. Endure!
    :)

  3. Thanks for the information. Added you to bookmark))
    Your new reader.

  4. ‘Nostalia’ mixed with ‘new place anxiety’ is what I would call it! ….all I would say is that -wait for the sun to shine!

  5. thank you for reaching out and elevating this unsavory way of being to a poetic state. i relate to the within. i spend more and more time there, and i’m not minding it as much as before. being friends with my within is not as painful as being friends with my 2 friends. i’m supposed to want/need friendship yet, they are too hard to find and keep. am i just too within? is this inability to have or lack of trying to keep just another aspect or causeof the disease?


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