Here I stand in the middle of a dimly lit room. Broken floor and tainted walls. A door at the far end. A lamp hanging from the damped ceiling. The bulb flickers intermittently, struggling to glow. I look up to it, and simper; comparing its weak efforts to those of mine.
I introspect myself when i realize that I lack something in me. I lack expression. I lack revelation. I lack words. Not ‘cuz I don’t have them in me. But because i lack the power of boiling down to a few. The irony of the plight is that i am not alone in the room. I am surrounded…. not by voidness but by things i look for all around: Words. It really becomes hard in these times, but still………….. I smile. I smile not because i am audacious enough to face this but i smile at the perplexity my mind is in. I look for, what is all around me. There are a plenty of them. All explaining my state in some way or the other. I still search.
I lean forward and I pick one. But thats not enough. I need more. Its absolutely not powerful enough to define my state of mind. I pick a couple of them more. But no, I am still in dearth. The heart calls for. I am in a panic. I see myself fanatically collecting more and more words hoping to have all which really would delineate my frenzy mind. But the more i collect, the less i feel. But I still search.
The heart aches to write something. But there is so much. So many words out there which describe what i feel now. The times in the last week when I was unable to concentrate on my work. Or when I was in a nostalgic mind thinking about my friends in India. Or the times i spent while i worked. Or about the last night when i was walking all alone on the road in the dark cold night waiting for people i respect to come out and just ask me what I am there for. Or when my closed ones left me all alone (for people they hardly know) in this room where i sit. No its not at all easy. There are so many of them. I still search.
Its like an ocean in the mind. The tides bring so many dark things and hit the shores. But by the time you are over with those, the next one comes and fill you mind with their own. The effect is cumulative. What to deal with? This one? That one? The mind lacks discernibility. And in the end, it ends up with all of them. This is the time when it lacks expression and goes in an eternal quest. Not because it lacks words to express, but because there are innumerable. And so, I still search.
Really. I don’t know how do people live by not letting their emotions out by writing something they think. For me, it keeps building up and a day comes when it explodes. Meanwhile, I take some time out to see my collection. “Desolate”, “Bereaved”, “Gloomy”, “Lamentable”, “Agitated”. They all describe what I am, at a single instance of time. Sounds strange to me and to every sane mortal. I still search.
But the questions remains. Am i satisfied? No, I am not. I have little energy left in me. No hope. No aspirations. With a half hearted soul I lean my hand forward to pick up some more. I see “Bliss”. Though this rarely forms a part of my life now, but it still Does. And when i try to reach it, the weak bulb goes off. It gives up on me. And the “bliss” I was looking for vanishes in the “dark”.
I still search.