Not a second passes by when me and my soul are not on knees thanking the omnipotent. Not a second. The light on the other side of the tunnel is limpid and bright. As if welcoming the forgotten. I am no longer skeptical about the strengths and walk tall as if I deserve every fragment of it.

The sojourn was gruesome – as I’ve inscribed before. Countless hours, Failing endeavors and a vanquished mind. They talk about not looking back once it’s over. I call them obtuse. I turn my head over my neck and see the blood stained walls I’ve lived. I simper a little, look in front and walk with even more courage and fortitude – to attain what I started for.

Its futile to elucidate the past. Its over. Not that I forget it – I extract every bit of meaning  and soak it in – i just dont brood over it.

I still sit beside the river, seeing the other side with hope. Yes, hope. Unconscious of what I should do now. Does my heart longs for the “other side”? I am not sure. Evolutions – as they say – heh – Evolutions. Situations, time, places, people, expectations and my own being – all have changed. The river has widened to augment the gap.

The skin on my bare feet recuperates. You are here. And no, I don’t inscribe a word more – some things are better left unspoken.

The white light clears a bit, insinuating what’s in store. I sense  it and take a deep breath to consume it in. Its beautiful.

Losers are those who think they’d tranquilize once the tunnel ends and the light clears. As I know its a beginning to yet another sojourn which I humbly accept, and if that’d bleed my veins out – so be it. True happiness comes from within,  and out of the endeavors you put into making yourself and everything around you wonderful.

Introspecting along the way, I take another step towards the daylight, towards sanguinity, towards a new beginning.

Its stagnant. The trees, the air, things around me, and my mortal self. I seem to drag my feet with the utmost strength I have within me, but in vain. As if being a part of an inanimate picture where everything has been brushed with black and white and the passers by don’t bother to look. I know this is a phase and will go away sooner than later.

The transition is detached. No bliss. No hopes. No bleakness. As the desires are far away and here I am beating about the bush. I touched heaven from the upper layers of my mind, body and soul. I sensed the inner ones when time was not on my side. I witnessed the paramount of debility in me this time when I was on my side of the river. Its useless. Its unimportant. Its inconsequential. What I think or want. And I now know it always was. I just never realized as I always was too engaged in bathing in the glory of being a part of it. And it went away just like that. Heh !!  With all the power God has vested in you, it just occurs to your mind that its all just fake as he is the one who takes it away without you even knowing it. I did not even beg this time to stall those moments as I knew my reservations.

Time passes. things happen and we just behold like a mute spectator from a distance. I do not believe in the genuineness of the fact that its us who inscribe our own fate. No I don’t. We just live it. Its all impressed on stone and all we do is follow the path. Taking turns when it calls and walking straight when it doesn’t. I’ve painfully endeavored to make a surrogate and trust me its been futile.

That’s life in real. Make the most of what’s written rather than wasting time in writing your own. As much as I can hate, I’ve accepted it completely after the sojourn. The “other side” peeps from the corners of my defeated mind but I silently subdue it. I know I will soon conquer my mind.

And with this self deception I yet again walk the line.

The mind strikes again. Yes, that very frenzy mind Ive loathed to even mention. With all the grit and gumption it can. Shredding each and every nerve which circulates my sane and conscious self. The fractions lie all around the floor, like bits and pieces of mirror broken with a massive slag. And I witness my countenance in all black. Shameless. Petrified. Barefaced.  And fraught with misery and contempt.

Its hard this time. Real hard. Ive learnt to live life with all the sanity the invincible has blessed me with. And ive pretty much succeded in it.  I have what I want. I aspire to become. I am aware of the environs which shackle me all the time and how I make my way through them. But this time, this crazy little thing has brought all this to a dead halt. Like a fountain crushed under a stone. Trying to peep its way out but in vain.

Thats life. I realize how the mind plays. And how I have to get out now.Nothing plays with the mind. Nothing. If the living soul is reluctant. All it needs is will. I’ve flew like an avian everytime I’ve desired to. transcending and defying the boundaries which have given meaning to my self. and ive enjoyed it. Al i want is realization. The mind plays. It always does. But its all about how you intercept it. I need control. Its a truth, dark and latent somewhere in my sub conscious mind. I need to carve it out and remove the dust which has rusted the glaze. So that it shines with all the armor and wit.
And now I deem I can attain it. Yes I can. Black and White is what I know now. No shades of grey. I know what to do. And so I sum it up.

I take control. I define discernity. I am the God of my own self. And I believe I’ll make the mind flow away in a smirk.

I am what I am. And I vouch to remain so.

Time is one apathetic bitch. You keep ogling at the ticking phenomenon and it seems to be stagnated. You sit with her for a while and it flows as if being the most impalpable creature on this living cosmopolitan. And that’s the ironical beauty of it.

I’ve beseeched, like a mendicant on his knees, to get a glimpse of the days when it was green. And I still beseech. I don’t feel like relying on words when the human himself is inconsequential. It ticks away, just like that. Shattering hopes to tiny little pieces which eventually turn into nothing but dust.

My congenital sensation leans me toward yet another semblance of Time. Death.

Death is omnipresent. With you when you drive, when you walk, when you eat, when youre alive and even when youre dead. Petrified and timid as we humans are, we squint to disaffirm its very existence. But this doesn’t sways away the mightier.

Life goes on. We indulge in things we know not of. Every second of every hour. Restraining the gravity it merits. Heedless. Untaught. Reckless. We follow patterns, rules and walk the herd. And then the mighty strikes. Like a cloud storm descending from the “above” to inundate us in all “white”. And we just look above. Defenseless. Incompetent. All which was “there” becomes void in a blip. All the cherished times, the cherished memories and the time you were with her. All abducted for the dark ages which follow.

Death is capricious. Death is as conclusive as the human being. Death is visible yet inconspicuous. Death is uncertain, yet the most certain. I have witnessed the pain and agony it brings upon. Not just to the defunct, but everything and anything which is bridged. Just takes a blink for the cataclysmic era to follow.

How do we reverberate then ? It’s artless. Enjoy life. It’s meant for it. Every breathing second. Every living hour. Time and Death are for people who are blind.

Open your eyes and you behold the bliss within and eveywhere around you.

You...

Everytime I talk to you I feel mirthful. Senses have given up the reminiscence of the feel and touch. They literally have. But my mind still remembers. Each and every time our hands touched and talked.

Who are you ? Where are you ? These are no longer questions I now seek. Its all carved within. And will linger there even after this mortal flesh perishes.

I now seek us in one breath. I seek you sitting beside the red oak & letting me behold the very goddess inside you. I seek togetherness. Walking down the memory lane, I die a little inside, seeing the day I left your hand. I seek the day when I hold it again. With the last bit of virility that’s left within me. So that I don’t loose it again.

Don’t contemplate. I tread the path which brings me to what I seek, what we seek. Its hard. The conflagrant sun peels away the skin from my bare feet. I take one step at a time. Sometimes your tears mitigate the burn. But that’s not what I want. As you are no better than what I am. There are things I wanna say. But words are not the best thing Ive got now.

You are the soul. You are the destiny. You are what I am. You are the light. In everything and anything which surrounds me. You are the euphoria. You are the strength. In me, of my hopes and my tread. And You make me complete. Its you everywhere. In the dark, in the light, near me, and far away too.

Nothing seems consequential. Drab is the room where I write these words. But then, the light enters and it enlightens. It finds meaning. It finds life. I close my eyes.

Its you…

No thoughts. No concept. Just a cloak of darkness acting as a veil on the numb mind. “Depression” is what they call it. And I just smile seeing them define these myriad of thoughts in single word.

Love is not something to be felt or touched or sensed. Its in the air. Not a cliche again but I believe it is. People are so hasty that they don’t see it. Wait and you behold. The very beauty and the very essence of it.

Life is vacillating these days. It looks for the bliss within. But “within” is a hollow creature which has forgotten everything. Listless, incapacitated and tired. Everything outside is heaven. But its the “within” which is averse to such contemplation. I do not tend to blame it. Its me . My thoughts and my ideas. It makes me think. Am I free. Or yet again, like every living mortal, I too am in shackles of the “material” world.

New People new hopes and new expectations. The inside is tumultuous. Do I even have to care about it. Or do I have to even compare them with the comrades Ive had and still have with me. Friendship is not about comparison. Its like love. Its happens and you sink in. Nothing superficial nothing exegetic.

In these times the only thing you remember is your confidants, who have that inconspicuous power of bringing smile to your swollen face. You talk to them once a year and it becomes a lifetime. A lifetime which you wish to live again and again.

Words have become my blunt, rusted  and deaden sword. Contending to fight the mighty  “being”.  But its too as weak and disqualified as its master.

When do I return ? Return to the days I loved. Those very lifetimes, when the “within” was joyous. I sail with the wind, with the tides. That’s all this “breaking apart” mortal could do. And now I realize. Its void within. Everything. Anything. I anticipate times when I change the sail to ride against every prognosticable event that defines my existence, my very being. As this is who I am, who I was.

I lament no more. The mind stops and the heart pumps.  Its the “within” again. After me. All over me.

I wont start this post by saying “It was long overdue… ” No I Won’t. I beleive its the thought process as to how much time it takes to really materialize into something which is concrete and expressible. I know there have been lots of happenings since the time I really wrote something. And there are even more which are happening now. Hard to really handle even a few of them.

This internship crap is on now for quite a while now. No Really. From applying in companies, to getting opportunities , to turning into interviews, to waiting for results and eventually turning to bullshit. No no !! I am really not exaggerating. I get an offer. Still I apply. I get more interviews. Those go well. But now I am in a dilemma that if I get selected in another one how will I refuse the offer I already accepted? But then, one of the opportunities I was thinking would come, din’t actually. So I am back.. But then again…. phone calls.. interviews.. And again the same dilemma… But why should I even think about it when i have not gotten any other offer. Heh heh ..!! Being optimistic ???? No I’m not.. Still What if ??!@##$$% And in the end… I tell my mind…. just S..H…U…T………..UP

I have been planning to buy a laptop for quite sometime now. Sitting in my design class and also seeing others in the lab, inspired me to look into MACs. I really loved them. The sleek design, the cool look, the milky white colors… and everything. But i missed one thing… the COST.. yes it was equal to what I earn in a month in this RA I have. And the most imp thing…. the software on which my thesis was going to be in the times to come was not compatible on a MAC… So that made me a bit discouraged towards them but I was still researching … And it was just yesterday when I decided to hell with it and buy a PC because my pocket allows it… and so I was determined. But again in that stupid design class someone told me “Hey you can always dual boot a MAC and load windows on it” And then the thots began…. So I can dual boot a MAC… hmm Ok… so if I am able to put windows on it my problem of that software is gone… Hmm that means I can buy a MAC… but hey… why the hell should I put some crappy windows on an awesome MAC??? Won’t that be stupid??? Why not buy a PC half the price….. Hmm that means I cannot buy a MAC… But if I buy a MAC I would get that cool interface and stuff… But why the hell do you want to put windows when u r buying a MAC…. !@#$%^&*&*((( And then I tell my mind.. .Shut the F*** up… And now I am “again” determined to buy a PC.

I also sometimes wonder that where do these aspirations and ambitions which a person has takes him or her. How far do they go in life… How successful they are. With little thought I come to the conclusion that it definitely takes them to new heights, transcending boundaries of thoughts and reaching new altitudes… And yes… It is definitely not easy. Its like rowing your very small wooden boat in the middle of a gargantuan sea, against the shores, against the wind. Yeah I know its tough !!..

But there is something which they do not realize while they row away. “Something” very significant. “Something” which actually made them capable of having that boat and be able to go and sit on that. “Something” which taught them HOW to row a boat in a wild sea without fail. “Something”, at the least, which told them “Its a boat” before they even knew it was. And the irony of the matter is that they use the same skills to get away from that “something” which in reality made them capable of doing it. With every stroke they make in that wild sea they get far away from that very own. They get far away from the “shore”. Yes the shore is what I am talking about…. And do I even write more about this ?? I guess No….

Really lots of things happening….. And in the end they all start making sense… Be it the internship thingy, as to I’ll go where I am destined to, no matter how much I beat about the bush. Be it the laptop stuff, where I know I’ll end up buying a PC (something inside me keeps telling me) or be it the Going away from the shore thing… where I know that I would definitely return to that “something”.. and that would be pretty soon.

Going through the pages of my so called “personal” diary yesterday, all I was doing was laughing at none other than myself. They seemed to be quite funny to me at that point of time. I tried reading a couple of them. “Exams finished today and I went to Rovers with my friends”. “I made my team win a cricket match”, “Got a beating for not completing the homework” and on and on and on.

It then makes me think that how important small things were. How significant was it to get a “V. V. Good” in your sentence completion assignment and then coming back home and shouting your lungs out until the whole neighbouhood knew about it.”Those were the days” is what the cliche sounds. Yes those really were.

And as I turned the pages and switched diaries those assignments started getting transformed slowly and steadily into real life challenges. Then came the pain and agony. I read some more. “I failed in my second year exam and my parents had to bear the brunt” That moment was painful. I was even able to visualize myself, while I read that excerpt, standing at the door of that professor’s cabin, doing nothing while my Dad and Mom were listening what actually I deserved. All I did was to stand in humiliation and curse myself for hurting those people who cared for me more than anyone could ever have on this earth. I knew that I had to fill up the blanks ……..not of the sentences this time but of the patches which were tryina ruin my life. And now I am glad that I did.

There was everything written in white and black in those diaries. Sacrifices for friends, getting a Mechanical Engg project done( leaving aside my own ) jus cuz you are good at typing and you get a good treat ( a chai and a bantaak… thats what we used to call our canteen biscuits ) for doing their 2000 words, or even sitting on the first bench in the HOD’s class after having a deadly hangover.

Aah!! those times are over now. There were both good and bad ones which used to come every now and then and shroud my diurnal activities at their will. And it is really overwhelming now to look back and see how i failed in some did good in others.

As I was entangled in these wonderful memories, I got a call from my brother asking me to cook the dinner as he would be late from office that day. I slowly got up. And when I did I suddenly realised that I wasn’t holding any of the diaries in my hand. I was just sittin on the couch bare handed. What was it then? How did i just leaved through the pages which defined almost my entire life? Thinking. Thinking. And do I understand now? No that can’t be. I comprehend but then I deny. Is it really… Na ..No… No way..!!!

In the end no matter how reluctant I am to accept, but it was again …. yes even u guessed it… “my frenzy mind”.

Would this ever even stop? Its really been quite a while since my mind has started making heedless moves of its own. I call it frenzy and insane. Huh!! But who am I blaming. Its mine after all.

It is indubitably static as hell while being inside my head. But man you got to see the twists and turns it makes. Giving you a ride from the day you came to your senses to the day when probably you’d leave them. It wants to be in places. But that isn’t the problem. The problem lies when it wants to be in multiple places, with multiple people at every instant of time. I keep finding ways to satiate its thirst but in vain. Multiple emotions. Bliss, Sadness, Astonishment and every little thing which now define someone’s life. But boiling down to one. It looks for answers. That is all what it needs right now. And this makes it mad. Isn’t it crazy? Shall I call it restlessness? But then what do I call the state when I used to go for my semester exams. This one is something way above. I perceive it to be jaundiced and insatiable. Even while writing this entry I dunno how many times have I deleted stuff I never intended to write but dunno how it was coming out automatically.

But then suddenly something just the opposite happens. The mind sees a ray of light emanating from the end of the dark tunnel of thoughts. The random motion stops. Its eyes are now looking towards it. But how is this possible? How can an untiring and dissatisfied thing get stuck somewhere? I think it has found something. Something where the peace resides. I look in desperation. It now gets more and more peaceful, much like a wild animal getting to rest after seeing his master. I realize something.

I now know what it wants and where it wants to be. I’ll say it again as I said in my previous post; it is the other side of the river bank where it wants to be AND I’ll say it again as I said in my previous post that being such a weak and ineffectual mortal, there is little I can do.

So finally the mind finds an answer, and when it does, its meaningless.

Here I stand in the middle of a dimly lit room. Broken floor and tainted walls. A door at the far end. A lamp hanging from the damped ceiling. The bulb flickers intermittently, struggling to glow. I look up to it, and simper; comparing its weak efforts to those of mine.

I introspect myself when i realize that I lack something in me. I lack expression. I lack revelation. I lack words. Not ‘cuz I don’t have them in me. But because i lack the power of boiling down to a few. The irony of the plight is that i am not alone in the room. I am surrounded…. not by voidness but by things i look for all around: Words. It really becomes hard in these times, but still………….. I smile. I smile not because i am audacious enough to face this but i smile at the perplexity my mind is in. I look for, what is all around me. There are a plenty of them. All explaining my state in some way or the other. I still search.

I lean forward and I pick one. But thats not enough. I need more. Its absolutely not powerful enough to define my state of mind. I pick a couple of them more. But no, I am still in dearth. The heart calls for. I am in a panic. I see myself fanatically collecting more and more words hoping to have all which really would delineate my frenzy mind. But the more i collect, the less i feel. But I still search.

The heart aches to write something. But there is so much. So many words out there which describe what i feel now. The times in the last week when I was unable to concentrate on my work. Or when I was in a nostalgic mind thinking about my friends in India. Or the times i spent while i worked. Or about the last night when i was walking all alone on the road in the dark cold night waiting for people i respect to come out and just ask me what I am there for. Or when my closed ones left me all alone (for people they hardly know) in this room where i sit. No its not at all easy. There are so many of them. I still search.

Its like an ocean in the mind. The tides bring so many dark things and hit the shores. But by the time you are over with those, the next one comes and fill you mind with their own. The effect is cumulative. What to deal with? This one? That one? The mind lacks discernibility. And in the end, it ends up with all of them. This is the time when it lacks expression and goes in an eternal quest. Not because it lacks words to express, but because there are innumerable. And so, I still search.

Really. I don’t know how do people live by not letting their emotions out by writing something they think. For me, it keeps building up and a day comes when it explodes. Meanwhile, I take some time out to see my collection. “Desolate”, “Bereaved”, “Gloomy”, “Lamentable”, “Agitated”. They all describe what I am, at a single instance of time. Sounds strange to me and to every sane mortal. I still search.

But the questions remains. Am i satisfied? No, I am not. I have little energy left in me. No hope. No aspirations. With a half hearted soul I lean my hand forward to pick up some more. I see “Bliss”. Though this rarely forms a part of my life now, but it still Does. And when i try to reach it, the weak bulb goes off. It gives up on me. And the “bliss” I was looking for vanishes in the “dark”.

I still search.