Its stagnant. The trees, the air, things around me, and my mortal self. I seem to drag my feet with the utmost strength I have within me, but in vain. As if being a part of an inanimate picture where everything has been brushed with black and white and the passers by don’t bother to look. I know this is a phase and will go away sooner than later.

The transition is detached. No bliss. No hopes. No bleakness. As the desires are far away and here I am beating about the bush. I touched heaven from the upper layers of my mind, body and soul. I sensed the inner ones when time was not on my side. I witnessed the paramount of debility in me this time when I was on my side of the river. Its useless. Its unimportant. Its inconsequential. What I think or want. And I now know it always was. I just never realized as I always was too engaged in bathing in the glory of being a part of it. And it went away just like that. Heh !!  With all the power God has vested in you, it just occurs to your mind that its all just fake as he is the one who takes it away without you even knowing it. I did not even beg this time to stall those moments as I knew my reservations.

Time passes. things happen and we just behold like a mute spectator from a distance. I do not believe in the genuineness of the fact that its us who inscribe our own fate. No I don’t. We just live it. Its all impressed on stone and all we do is follow the path. Taking turns when it calls and walking straight when it doesn’t. I’ve painfully endeavored to make a surrogate and trust me its been futile.

That’s life in real. Make the most of what’s written rather than wasting time in writing your own. As much as I can hate, I’ve accepted it completely after the sojourn. The “other side” peeps from the corners of my defeated mind but I silently subdue it. I know I will soon conquer my mind.

And with this self deception I yet again walk the line.

The sun sets at a distance… throwing the feeble remains on the lake infront of me. The lake is black except for the halcyon patch which the sun gives. I see the lake flowing from one end to another. It seems to me like thousands of  small individual tides all exuberant in joy and vying to reach that gold as they flow. Each tide gets blessed and then goes on vanishing away in the dark for the next one to follow. It makes this tranquilizing sound. Enchanting the senses and pulling you in. Into the calmness it resides.

The cold wind strikes the nerves. Chilly as they are, they cool the mind within. The shrubs and tiny little trees get tawny and saffron as the fall sets in. They bend for the lake to assuage like sunflowers. But its little the lake could do.

I behold the path wandering away in the woods. Covered with the red oak. Covered with mother nature. Welcoming to a whole new world of reconciliation. Giving me urges to get absorbed and never come back.

I behold the red clouds scattered all above me. Making their way out of the blue ones. As if distinctively making their own individuality. They make shapes and sizes. Some are rectangular and others hollow. Some merge with the blues. And others are just clouds.

I behold you lady. Walking beside the lake with arms tightly folded. Your hair playing with the wind. Your eyes waiting.  And you seeing the setting sun yet again, just like yesterday. The tears make no mistake and drop like pearls. I stretch my arms but god I am far.

The sun has set at a distance and no longer throws the gold. The tides are all black. All I hear is the captivating sound still pulling me in. The wind serves the purpose and I am at peace. The clouds all give in to the darkness which sets and only a pale redness remains which seems to be the east. My lady has gone… to return tomorrow. I hope I am close this time.

Nature is what gives me realizations. The lake the clouds the wind and every living and subsistive creature around me. A supreme power resembling a black hole pulling everything into it. And I am no different. I no longer behold and close my eyes to slowly give in.

This walk had something unprecedented. I sensed the energy, the passions and the silent communion between us. This togetherness was unfelt before. Walking down the road at 7p.m. to have a coffee was much like breathing. But this evening had the air in it. Our hands touched and talked. But ineffective and speechless were we two mortals. Sometimes its the silence which says it all. And when it doesn’t, there’s nothing brewing.

The mind groped for answers within. But in vain. As there were none. As there was an abysmal pit. As they had to come from her. But humans as we are, dementia, or whatever it is which defines our existence, makes us run after the unattainable. Much like rowing in the sea, against the shores, to feel the sun at the other end. And then two things remain constant, we keep on rowing and the sun remains. Mockery is all I can do at my frenzy mind. Its insane.

The coffee shop was fast approaching. We sat on the same seats as we used to. She liked sitting beside the wall, and I liked that too as then it was her which I could only see. God I just felt that moment would never end. She had a hint of uncertainity on her face. And my mind was bursting out with explanations, assurances and vows. But silence was mightier than words……. yet again. We talked gibberish while we sat….. howz life goin’ … that movie she saw…. that game I played…. a new dress she bought and whatever that could come in my mind….. literally…. “whatever”. There are times when sanity gives in to pulchritude. This was one of those typical spectacles which you behold before the peak. We payed the bill, and were on the road again. She wanted to be alone. I also wanted to…. with her.

There are these hunches which your mind plays. Truly meaningless, without any sane rationale and out of the blue. But they make you more certain than your own being. I had one while we were returning to the hotel. I felt she would approve. I saw her wiping her tears. I couldn’t say a word. I was too apprehensive or probably not so mature to soothe. The heart was heavier than earth. Both of us knew….. I dunno what… but something… something which kept us both quiet. The hotel approached. She took the keys for her room and went away without even saying a word. But I sensed it…. through my sixth or seventh or whatever sense you might want to call it. I never saw her before, until that day, with a smile on her face & with tears in her eyes. She said it all. Without even uttering a word. She was too afraid or probably too shy. This is the power of silence.

I went to my room. With that strange feeling. What now ? What if ? Never realized when I climbed 3 floors. Out of mind. Blank… yet Fraught. Insane… yet thoughtful. Unaware of what to do.

And then……. the most obvious thing happens. My cellphone rings. Its her.

With a flair of charm and with the air of apprehension she says the first three words ….

And I sit there…. just asking her to repeat… till eternity comes.

This post is indeed… “for her”

It all started with that night…

The rain was intense. God showed no mercy on the one beneath. I was standing in front of one of those typical dimly lit beer shops( where you normally see the owner passed out) with a bottle of beer in my hands. Don’t know how many I already had before that. I tried having a shelter below the broken tin roof and gaped at the dark street in front of me. I was vacuous. Just this one thought shrouding my dark psyche like an intransigent cloak. It was ghastly, melancholy, and in some way good for what happened a few minutes ago. I do not delve. They, whoever and wherever they are, know what I say here.

My “stuck” eyes wandered. I had one of my intimate friend standing beside me. The narrow shelter made him drip. But he wasn’t a crab. He had never been one. He didn’t verbalize while he stood there. I just called him once when I came out of the phone booth to come for a booze when he had no reason to. And there he stood. Not even knowing why he was even there. But he WAS…. and thats what mattered. A few moments ago I was blown away with that shrewd simper which often tells you what big fat sack of shit you are. But here I was not alone. As the shop closed, he held me by my shoulder, as I was unable to walk by then, and took me to a small “dhaba”. I was starving since morning. (Dunno how did he know that) We ate in silence. And then….. I figured the pregnant acceptation. He was “the” comrade. The one… who conceived the unfathomable stillness.

Elucidation has not always been a weapon. Not for confidants. Silence has. And he had this virtue.

I realized that what I lost, was inutile and worthless to what I was blessed with. I went to bed in peace.

And it all ended with that night..