Its stagnant. The trees, the air, things around me, and my mortal self. I seem to drag my feet with the utmost strength I have within me, but in vain. As if being a part of an inanimate picture where everything has been brushed with black and white and the passers by don’t bother to look. I know this is a phase and will go away sooner than later.

The transition is detached. No bliss. No hopes. No bleakness. As the desires are far away and here I am beating about the bush. I touched heaven from the upper layers of my mind, body and soul. I sensed the inner ones when time was not on my side. I witnessed the paramount of debility in me this time when I was on my side of the river. Its useless. Its unimportant. Its inconsequential. What I think or want. And I now know it always was. I just never realized as I always was too engaged in bathing in the glory of being a part of it. And it went away just like that. Heh !!  With all the power God has vested in you, it just occurs to your mind that its all just fake as he is the one who takes it away without you even knowing it. I did not even beg this time to stall those moments as I knew my reservations.

Time passes. things happen and we just behold like a mute spectator from a distance. I do not believe in the genuineness of the fact that its us who inscribe our own fate. No I don’t. We just live it. Its all impressed on stone and all we do is follow the path. Taking turns when it calls and walking straight when it doesn’t. I’ve painfully endeavored to make a surrogate and trust me its been futile.

That’s life in real. Make the most of what’s written rather than wasting time in writing your own. As much as I can hate, I’ve accepted it completely after the sojourn. The “other side” peeps from the corners of my defeated mind but I silently subdue it. I know I will soon conquer my mind.

And with this self deception I yet again walk the line.

My wanderlust brings me yet again to my hiding. Or is it the desire to get inspired ? I am incognizant. The place no longer is the same as before. Fall has gone to give way to the chilly element which now sets. People have deserted it like some parched abandoned land. Thats what  humans are. We reap our fraction of ecstasy when its lush green and abandon it to oblivion when nothing’s left. I am not one of those reckless mortals. I feel life running through my veins when I come here. I feel the vehement chords striking from the entourage. I feel…. and can I not go on ?

I walk down to one of those paths which takes you in between the lake, to get surrounded by the Adam’s ale from all three sides. I do this to get close to where I have come from, to where I’ll go. I make a nexus. I know “it” listens to me. We talk in quiescence. I enter in temporal amnesia, forgetting everything which defines my existence. And its placidity which inculcates within.

Its a different time of the year now. Clouds play the hue game no more. They are all unified as a dark stretch of obsidian smoke, as if fighting the chill. There are still some red and saffron stripes which run from one end to eternity but they too tend to fade away. My contemplation of the firmament is blocked by the dead trees in the vicinity. They are much like the place itself, abandoned by the folioles, just those tiny twigs coming out of their branches finding life.

The lake is rampant. Listless & dissuaded. It still seeks the gold which is now black. The sun has lost its presence and is no longer to be seen. Deserted as the place is, makes me happy. The cars pass at a distance, but none make their way to the lake. They have their precedencies transformed now.

As the chill augments and I plan to bid adieu, I slowly look up…. close my eyes ……and take a deep long breath. As if gathering all the energy I can for the week to follow. As after that I return yet again… to my hiding. With the same chill. The same clouds. The same lake. And the same me giving in to the nature when it calls.

We humans are wired within to seek shelter, solace and sympathy. Like those epiphites which need support and help to germinate, on any seedling and shrub which grows in the proximity.  People seek togetherness and companionship. Within places, within things we love and within people, irrespective whether it’s theirs or not.  The very human nature is subservient upon so many things which are imponderable. And I was no different than the race.

The irony of the matter which startles me is whatever we find and whatever we seek is void and futile. Because true happiness is immanent right there inside of us. In a latent cave waiting to get a glimpse and to be unearthed. Its the mind games we play with ourselves contemplating that we are happy when we are dependent, when we are empathized, when we are loved. Even if this is false I now inscribe, how big a thing it is really? Being dependent. Being loved. The desire is all over us at all times and we do all we possibly can to attain it.

The grit comes when you learn to remain complacent when you’re abandoned, aloof, and desolate. When you loose all those social shackles and wires which have bogged you down, when you rise above all and find yourself desolate. It’s then when the catechism incohates, freezing the nerves within.  Caressed and unsustainable as we have been, we’ve given little thought to a different angle of life. Being alone. No one gives. We are receptive to it but loath to give it credence. But life makes you see things which you’ve never dreamed of.

We have dissolved the very meaning of our existence by sharing. Not that sharing bliss and affliction is a bad thing, but exploiting it to an extent where we forget our own meaning and rationale of existence, and consign to oblivion the very idea of being alone would bend us more towards being provisional.

I have learnt to be self-contained in my own small little cave. I have my confidants, my progenitors, and her all the time. And I have learnt not to be that epiphite which bends on every passer to grow. I have a life, my people and my world. And I am the happiest alive.

I relish in the glory of walking tall.

The sun sets at a distance… throwing the feeble remains on the lake infront of me. The lake is black except for the halcyon patch which the sun gives. I see the lake flowing from one end to another. It seems to me like thousands of  small individual tides all exuberant in joy and vying to reach that gold as they flow. Each tide gets blessed and then goes on vanishing away in the dark for the next one to follow. It makes this tranquilizing sound. Enchanting the senses and pulling you in. Into the calmness it resides.

The cold wind strikes the nerves. Chilly as they are, they cool the mind within. The shrubs and tiny little trees get tawny and saffron as the fall sets in. They bend for the lake to assuage like sunflowers. But its little the lake could do.

I behold the path wandering away in the woods. Covered with the red oak. Covered with mother nature. Welcoming to a whole new world of reconciliation. Giving me urges to get absorbed and never come back.

I behold the red clouds scattered all above me. Making their way out of the blue ones. As if distinctively making their own individuality. They make shapes and sizes. Some are rectangular and others hollow. Some merge with the blues. And others are just clouds.

I behold you lady. Walking beside the lake with arms tightly folded. Your hair playing with the wind. Your eyes waiting.  And you seeing the setting sun yet again, just like yesterday. The tears make no mistake and drop like pearls. I stretch my arms but god I am far.

The sun has set at a distance and no longer throws the gold. The tides are all black. All I hear is the captivating sound still pulling me in. The wind serves the purpose and I am at peace. The clouds all give in to the darkness which sets and only a pale redness remains which seems to be the east. My lady has gone… to return tomorrow. I hope I am close this time.

Nature is what gives me realizations. The lake the clouds the wind and every living and subsistive creature around me. A supreme power resembling a black hole pulling everything into it. And I am no different. I no longer behold and close my eyes to slowly give in.

The mind strikes again. Yes, that very frenzy mind Ive loathed to even mention. With all the grit and gumption it can. Shredding each and every nerve which circulates my sane and conscious self. The fractions lie all around the floor, like bits and pieces of mirror broken with a massive slag. And I witness my countenance in all black. Shameless. Petrified. Barefaced.  And fraught with misery and contempt.

Its hard this time. Real hard. Ive learnt to live life with all the sanity the invincible has blessed me with. And ive pretty much succeded in it.  I have what I want. I aspire to become. I am aware of the environs which shackle me all the time and how I make my way through them. But this time, this crazy little thing has brought all this to a dead halt. Like a fountain crushed under a stone. Trying to peep its way out but in vain.

Thats life. I realize how the mind plays. And how I have to get out now.Nothing plays with the mind. Nothing. If the living soul is reluctant. All it needs is will. I’ve flew like an avian everytime I’ve desired to. transcending and defying the boundaries which have given meaning to my self. and ive enjoyed it. Al i want is realization. The mind plays. It always does. But its all about how you intercept it. I need control. Its a truth, dark and latent somewhere in my sub conscious mind. I need to carve it out and remove the dust which has rusted the glaze. So that it shines with all the armor and wit.
And now I deem I can attain it. Yes I can. Black and White is what I know now. No shades of grey. I know what to do. And so I sum it up.

I take control. I define discernity. I am the God of my own self. And I believe I’ll make the mind flow away in a smirk.

I am what I am. And I vouch to remain so.

Time is one apathetic bitch. You keep ogling at the ticking phenomenon and it seems to be stagnated. You sit with her for a while and it flows as if being the most impalpable creature on this living cosmopolitan. And that’s the ironical beauty of it.

I’ve beseeched, like a mendicant on his knees, to get a glimpse of the days when it was green. And I still beseech. I don’t feel like relying on words when the human himself is inconsequential. It ticks away, just like that. Shattering hopes to tiny little pieces which eventually turn into nothing but dust.

My congenital sensation leans me toward yet another semblance of Time. Death.

Death is omnipresent. With you when you drive, when you walk, when you eat, when youre alive and even when youre dead. Petrified and timid as we humans are, we squint to disaffirm its very existence. But this doesn’t sways away the mightier.

Life goes on. We indulge in things we know not of. Every second of every hour. Restraining the gravity it merits. Heedless. Untaught. Reckless. We follow patterns, rules and walk the herd. And then the mighty strikes. Like a cloud storm descending from the “above” to inundate us in all “white”. And we just look above. Defenseless. Incompetent. All which was “there” becomes void in a blip. All the cherished times, the cherished memories and the time you were with her. All abducted for the dark ages which follow.

Death is capricious. Death is as conclusive as the human being. Death is visible yet inconspicuous. Death is uncertain, yet the most certain. I have witnessed the pain and agony it brings upon. Not just to the defunct, but everything and anything which is bridged. Just takes a blink for the cataclysmic era to follow.

How do we reverberate then ? It’s artless. Enjoy life. It’s meant for it. Every breathing second. Every living hour. Time and Death are for people who are blind.

Open your eyes and you behold the bliss within and eveywhere around you.

You...

Everytime I talk to you I feel mirthful. Senses have given up the reminiscence of the feel and touch. They literally have. But my mind still remembers. Each and every time our hands touched and talked.

Who are you ? Where are you ? These are no longer questions I now seek. Its all carved within. And will linger there even after this mortal flesh perishes.

I now seek us in one breath. I seek you sitting beside the red oak & letting me behold the very goddess inside you. I seek togetherness. Walking down the memory lane, I die a little inside, seeing the day I left your hand. I seek the day when I hold it again. With the last bit of virility that’s left within me. So that I don’t loose it again.

Don’t contemplate. I tread the path which brings me to what I seek, what we seek. Its hard. The conflagrant sun peels away the skin from my bare feet. I take one step at a time. Sometimes your tears mitigate the burn. But that’s not what I want. As you are no better than what I am. There are things I wanna say. But words are not the best thing Ive got now.

You are the soul. You are the destiny. You are what I am. You are the light. In everything and anything which surrounds me. You are the euphoria. You are the strength. In me, of my hopes and my tread. And You make me complete. Its you everywhere. In the dark, in the light, near me, and far away too.

Nothing seems consequential. Drab is the room where I write these words. But then, the light enters and it enlightens. It finds meaning. It finds life. I close my eyes.

Its you…

No thoughts. No concept. Just a cloak of darkness acting as a veil on the numb mind. “Depression” is what they call it. And I just smile seeing them define these myriad of thoughts in single word.

Love is not something to be felt or touched or sensed. Its in the air. Not a cliche again but I believe it is. People are so hasty that they don’t see it. Wait and you behold. The very beauty and the very essence of it.

Life is vacillating these days. It looks for the bliss within. But “within” is a hollow creature which has forgotten everything. Listless, incapacitated and tired. Everything outside is heaven. But its the “within” which is averse to such contemplation. I do not tend to blame it. Its me . My thoughts and my ideas. It makes me think. Am I free. Or yet again, like every living mortal, I too am in shackles of the “material” world.

New People new hopes and new expectations. The inside is tumultuous. Do I even have to care about it. Or do I have to even compare them with the comrades Ive had and still have with me. Friendship is not about comparison. Its like love. Its happens and you sink in. Nothing superficial nothing exegetic.

In these times the only thing you remember is your confidants, who have that inconspicuous power of bringing smile to your swollen face. You talk to them once a year and it becomes a lifetime. A lifetime which you wish to live again and again.

Words have become my blunt, rusted  and deaden sword. Contending to fight the mighty  “being”.  But its too as weak and disqualified as its master.

When do I return ? Return to the days I loved. Those very lifetimes, when the “within” was joyous. I sail with the wind, with the tides. That’s all this “breaking apart” mortal could do. And now I realize. Its void within. Everything. Anything. I anticipate times when I change the sail to ride against every prognosticable event that defines my existence, my very being. As this is who I am, who I was.

I lament no more. The mind stops and the heart pumps.  Its the “within” again. After me. All over me.

This walk had something unprecedented. I sensed the energy, the passions and the silent communion between us. This togetherness was unfelt before. Walking down the road at 7p.m. to have a coffee was much like breathing. But this evening had the air in it. Our hands touched and talked. But ineffective and speechless were we two mortals. Sometimes its the silence which says it all. And when it doesn’t, there’s nothing brewing.

The mind groped for answers within. But in vain. As there were none. As there was an abysmal pit. As they had to come from her. But humans as we are, dementia, or whatever it is which defines our existence, makes us run after the unattainable. Much like rowing in the sea, against the shores, to feel the sun at the other end. And then two things remain constant, we keep on rowing and the sun remains. Mockery is all I can do at my frenzy mind. Its insane.

The coffee shop was fast approaching. We sat on the same seats as we used to. She liked sitting beside the wall, and I liked that too as then it was her which I could only see. God I just felt that moment would never end. She had a hint of uncertainity on her face. And my mind was bursting out with explanations, assurances and vows. But silence was mightier than words……. yet again. We talked gibberish while we sat….. howz life goin’ … that movie she saw…. that game I played…. a new dress she bought and whatever that could come in my mind….. literally…. “whatever”. There are times when sanity gives in to pulchritude. This was one of those typical spectacles which you behold before the peak. We payed the bill, and were on the road again. She wanted to be alone. I also wanted to…. with her.

There are these hunches which your mind plays. Truly meaningless, without any sane rationale and out of the blue. But they make you more certain than your own being. I had one while we were returning to the hotel. I felt she would approve. I saw her wiping her tears. I couldn’t say a word. I was too apprehensive or probably not so mature to soothe. The heart was heavier than earth. Both of us knew….. I dunno what… but something… something which kept us both quiet. The hotel approached. She took the keys for her room and went away without even saying a word. But I sensed it…. through my sixth or seventh or whatever sense you might want to call it. I never saw her before, until that day, with a smile on her face & with tears in her eyes. She said it all. Without even uttering a word. She was too afraid or probably too shy. This is the power of silence.

I went to my room. With that strange feeling. What now ? What if ? Never realized when I climbed 3 floors. Out of mind. Blank… yet Fraught. Insane… yet thoughtful. Unaware of what to do.

And then……. the most obvious thing happens. My cellphone rings. Its her.

With a flair of charm and with the air of apprehension she says the first three words ….

And I sit there…. just asking her to repeat… till eternity comes.

This post is indeed… “for her”

It all started with that night…

The rain was intense. God showed no mercy on the one beneath. I was standing in front of one of those typical dimly lit beer shops( where you normally see the owner passed out) with a bottle of beer in my hands. Don’t know how many I already had before that. I tried having a shelter below the broken tin roof and gaped at the dark street in front of me. I was vacuous. Just this one thought shrouding my dark psyche like an intransigent cloak. It was ghastly, melancholy, and in some way good for what happened a few minutes ago. I do not delve. They, whoever and wherever they are, know what I say here.

My “stuck” eyes wandered. I had one of my intimate friend standing beside me. The narrow shelter made him drip. But he wasn’t a crab. He had never been one. He didn’t verbalize while he stood there. I just called him once when I came out of the phone booth to come for a booze when he had no reason to. And there he stood. Not even knowing why he was even there. But he WAS…. and thats what mattered. A few moments ago I was blown away with that shrewd simper which often tells you what big fat sack of shit you are. But here I was not alone. As the shop closed, he held me by my shoulder, as I was unable to walk by then, and took me to a small “dhaba”. I was starving since morning. (Dunno how did he know that) We ate in silence. And then….. I figured the pregnant acceptation. He was “the” comrade. The one… who conceived the unfathomable stillness.

Elucidation has not always been a weapon. Not for confidants. Silence has. And he had this virtue.

I realized that what I lost, was inutile and worthless to what I was blessed with. I went to bed in peace.

And it all ended with that night..