Posted by: Utkarsh | December 24, 2009

nostalgia

While starting to write yet another experience, I realized that I have already inscribed most of what I was about to jot down. Here are some excerpts from my previous posts which define “the ongoings”

In Search

“… I introspect myself when i realize that I lack something in me. I lack expression. I lack revelation. I lack words. Not ‘cuz I don’t have them in me. But because i lack the power of boiling down to a few. The irony of the plight is that i am not alone in the room. I am surrounded…. not by voidness but by things i look for all around: Words. It really becomes hard in these times, but still………….. I smile. I smile not because i am audacious enough to face this but i smile at the perplexity my mind is in. I look for, what is all around me. There are a plenty of them. All explaining my state in some way or the other. I still search.”

..someday I will

“…I turn my head backwards to take a last look on the place I call paradise. It’s far….. not in terms of distance but in terms of the times to come when I’d be there. But this time I look with much more power, with much more aspirations and with much more sanity.”

my frenzy mind…comes to peace

“…I now know what it wants and where it wants to be. I’ll say it again as I said in my previous post; it is the other side of the river bank where it wants to be AND I’ll say it again as I said in my previous post that being such a weak and ineffectual mortal, there is little I can do.”

truth

“…Truth is something which you don’t wish to believe but you have to. Truth is fate. Truth is destiny. Truth is what I’m not. Truth is what apparently e’one else is. Truth is what happens “now”. Truth is what happens in the real world and not what goes on in your “frenzy mind”.”

desires

“…This not something we should be doing, is what I think. I don’t aspire to be selfish. I wish to always help people and to always do good things in life. But I also want not to forget that dormant urge which resides within me. And asks me for a couple of seconds from my own life. Cuz instead of doing any harm, it brings a feeling of pride, makes me happy. I have experienced it and that is what makes me write all that I have.”

you

“…You are the soul. You are the destiny. You are what I am. You are the light. In everything and anything which surrounds me. You are the euphoria. You are the strength. In me, of my hopes and my tread. And You make me complete. Its you everywhere. In the dark, in the light, near me, and far away too.”

love…as I see it

“…The most essential thing which I feel we can give our parents is to be with them…. be with them when they need us the most. This is what I think. This is what my Mom always tells me whenever we chat online. That all she wants now is to be with the family. Such a low key affair in return to what they have given us all through their lives. This is the kind of love I talk about here which never asks you for anything, just keeps telling you to be safe, happy and sound”

letting it go

“…Time passes. things happen and we just behold like a mute spectator from a distance. I do not believe in the genuineness of the fact that its us who inscribe our own fate. No I don’t. We just live it. Its all impressed on stone and all we do is follow the path. Taking turns when it calls and walking straight when it doesn’t.”

respect

“…The real courage in showing respect does not come in just treating your elders with respect. No, I call that the beginning. The real courage comes, when your adoration for them grows – under difficult circumstances and when things go wrong. You fight anger with patience, silence and respect.”

Posted by: Utkarsh | August 25, 2009

the beginning…

Not a second passes by when me and my soul are not on knees thanking the omnipotent. Not a second. The light on the other side of the tunnel is limpid and bright. As if welcoming the forgotten. I am no longer skeptical about the strengths and walk tall as if I deserve every fragment of it.

The sojourn was gruesome – as I’ve inscribed before. Countless hours, Failing endeavors and a vanquished mind. They talk about not looking back once it’s over. I call them obtuse. I turn my head over my neck and see the blood stained walls I’ve lived. I simper a little, look in front and walk with even more courage and fortitude – to attain what I started for.

Its futile to elucidate the past. Its over. Not that I forget it – I extract every bit of meaning  and soak it in – i just dont brood over it.

I still sit beside the river, seeing the other side with hope. Yes, hope. Unconscious of what I should do now. Does my heart longs for the “other side”? I am not sure. Evolutions – as they say – heh – Evolutions. Situations, time, places, people, expectations and my own being – all have changed. The river has widened to augment the gap.

The skin on my bare feet recuperates. You are here. And no, I don’t inscribe a word more – some things are better left unspoken.

The white light clears a bit, insinuating what’s in store. I sense  it and take a deep breath to consume it in. Its beautiful.

Losers are those who think they’d tranquilize once the tunnel ends and the light clears. As I know its a beginning to yet another sojourn which I humbly accept, and if that’d bleed my veins out – so be it. True happiness comes from within,  and out of the endeavors you put into making yourself and everything around you wonderful.

Introspecting along the way, I take another step towards the daylight, towards sanguinity, towards a new beginning.

Posted by: Utkarsh | March 31, 2009

Letting it go…

Its stagnant. The trees, the air, things around me, and my mortal self. I seem to drag my feet with the utmost strength I have within me, but in vain. As if being a part of an inanimate picture where everything has been brushed with black and white and the passers by don’t bother to look. I know this is a phase and will go away sooner than later.

The transition is detached. No bliss. No hopes. No bleakness. As the desires are far away and here I am beating about the bush. I touched heaven from the upper layers of my mind, body and soul. I sensed the inner ones when time was not on my side. I witnessed the paramount of debility in me this time when I was on my side of the river. Its useless. Its unimportant. Its inconsequential. What I think or want. And I now know it always was. I just never realized as I always was too engaged in bathing in the glory of being a part of it. And it went away just like that. Heh !!  With all the power God has vested in you, it just occurs to your mind that its all just fake as he is the one who takes it away without you even knowing it. I did not even beg this time to stall those moments as I knew my reservations.

Time passes. things happen and we just behold like a mute spectator from a distance. I do not believe in the genuineness of the fact that its us who inscribe our own fate. No I don’t. We just live it. Its all impressed on stone and all we do is follow the path. Taking turns when it calls and walking straight when it doesn’t. I’ve painfully endeavored to make a surrogate and trust me its been futile.

That’s life in real. Make the most of what’s written rather than wasting time in writing your own. As much as I can hate, I’ve accepted it completely after the sojourn. The “other side” peeps from the corners of my defeated mind but I silently subdue it. I know I will soon conquer my mind.

And with this self deception I yet again walk the line.

Posted by: Utkarsh | November 11, 2008

the nature calls II

My wanderlust brings me yet again to my hiding. Or is it the desire to get inspired ? I am incognizant. The place no longer is the same as before. Fall has gone to give way to the chilly element which now sets. People have deserted it like some parched abandoned land. Thats what  humans are. We reap our fraction of ecstasy when its lush green and abandon it to oblivion when nothing’s left. I am not one of those reckless mortals. I feel life running through my veins when I come here. I feel the vehement chords striking from the entourage. I feel…. and can I not go on ?

I walk down to one of those paths which takes you in between the lake, to get surrounded by the Adam’s ale from all three sides. I do this to get close to where I have come from, to where I’ll go. I make a nexus. I know “it” listens to me. We talk in quiescence. I enter in temporal amnesia, forgetting everything which defines my existence. And its placidity which inculcates within.

Its a different time of the year now. Clouds play the hue game no more. They are all unified as a dark stretch of obsidian smoke, as if fighting the chill. There are still some red and saffron stripes which run from one end to eternity but they too tend to fade away. My contemplation of the firmament is blocked by the dead trees in the vicinity. They are much like the place itself, abandoned by the folioles, just those tiny twigs coming out of their branches finding life.

The lake is rampant. Listless & dissuaded. It still seeks the gold which is now black. The sun has lost its presence and is no longer to be seen. Deserted as the place is, makes me happy. The cars pass at a distance, but none make their way to the lake. They have their precedencies transformed now.

As the chill augments and I plan to bid adieu, I slowly look up…. close my eyes ……and take a deep long breath. As if gathering all the energy I can for the week to follow. As after that I return yet again… to my hiding. With the same chill. The same clouds. The same lake. And the same me giving in to the nature when it calls.

Posted by: Utkarsh | November 4, 2008

Walking Tall !!

We humans are wired within to seek shelter, solace and sympathy. Like those epiphites which need support and help to germinate, on any seedling and shrub which grows in the proximity.  People seek togetherness and companionship. Within places, within things we love and within people, irrespective whether it’s theirs or not.  The very human nature is subservient upon so many things which are imponderable. And I was no different than the race.

The irony of the matter which startles me is whatever we find and whatever we seek is void and futile. Because true happiness is immanent right there inside of us. In a latent cave waiting to get a glimpse and to be unearthed. Its the mind games we play with ourselves contemplating that we are happy when we are dependent, when we are empathized, when we are loved. Even if this is false I now inscribe, how big a thing it is really? Being dependent. Being loved. The desire is all over us at all times and we do all we possibly can to attain it.

The grit comes when you learn to remain complacent when you’re abandoned, aloof, and desolate. When you loose all those social shackles and wires which have bogged you down, when you rise above all and find yourself desolate. It’s then when the catechism incohates, freezing the nerves within.  Caressed and unsustainable as we have been, we’ve given little thought to a different angle of life. Being alone. No one gives. We are receptive to it but loath to give it credence. But life makes you see things which you’ve never dreamed of.

We have dissolved the very meaning of our existence by sharing. Not that sharing bliss and affliction is a bad thing, but exploiting it to an extent where we forget our own meaning and rationale of existence, and consign to oblivion the very idea of being alone would bend us more towards being provisional.

I have learnt to be self-contained in my own small little cave. I have my confidants, my progenitors, and her all the time. And I have learnt not to be that epiphite which bends on every passer to grow. I have a life, my people and my world. And I am the happiest alive.

I relish in the glory of walking tall.

Posted by: Utkarsh | October 19, 2008

the nature calls..

The sun sets at a distance… throwing the feeble remains on the lake infront of me. The lake is black except for the halcyon patch which the sun gives. I see the lake flowing from one end to another. It seems to me like thousands of  small individual tides all exuberant in joy and vying to reach that gold as they flow. Each tide gets blessed and then goes on vanishing away in the dark for the next one to follow. It makes this tranquilizing sound. Enchanting the senses and pulling you in. Into the calmness it resides.

The cold wind strikes the nerves. Chilly as they are, they cool the mind within. The shrubs and tiny little trees get tawny and saffron as the fall sets in. They bend for the lake to assuage like sunflowers. But its little the lake could do.

I behold the path wandering away in the woods. Covered with the red oak. Covered with mother nature. Welcoming to a whole new world of reconciliation. Giving me urges to get absorbed and never come back.

I behold the red clouds scattered all above me. Making their way out of the blue ones. As if distinctively making their own individuality. They make shapes and sizes. Some are rectangular and others hollow. Some merge with the blues. And others are just clouds.

I behold you lady. Walking beside the lake with arms tightly folded. Your hair playing with the wind. Your eyes waiting.  And you seeing the setting sun yet again, just like yesterday. The tears make no mistake and drop like pearls. I stretch my arms but god I am far.

The sun has set at a distance and no longer throws the gold. The tides are all black. All I hear is the captivating sound still pulling me in. The wind serves the purpose and I am at peace. The clouds all give in to the darkness which sets and only a pale redness remains which seems to be the east. My lady has gone… to return tomorrow. I hope I am close this time.

Nature is what gives me realizations. The lake the clouds the wind and every living and subsistive creature around me. A supreme power resembling a black hole pulling everything into it. And I am no different. I no longer behold and close my eyes to slowly give in.

Posted by: Utkarsh | October 18, 2008

my strengthening self..

The mind strikes again. Yes, that very frenzy mind Ive loathed to even mention. With all the grit and gumption it can. Shredding each and every nerve which circulates my sane and conscious self. The fractions lie all around the floor, like bits and pieces of mirror broken with a massive slag. And I witness my countenance in all black. Shameless. Petrified. Barefaced.  And fraught with misery and contempt.

Its hard this time. Real hard. Ive learnt to live life with all the sanity the invincible has blessed me with. And ive pretty much succeded in it.  I have what I want. I aspire to become. I am aware of the environs which shackle me all the time and how I make my way through them. But this time, this crazy little thing has brought all this to a dead halt. Like a fountain crushed under a stone. Trying to peep its way out but in vain.

Thats life. I realize how the mind plays. And how I have to get out now.Nothing plays with the mind. Nothing. If the living soul is reluctant. All it needs is will. I’ve flew like an avian everytime I’ve desired to. transcending and defying the boundaries which have given meaning to my self. and ive enjoyed it. Al i want is realization. The mind plays. It always does. But its all about how you intercept it. I need control. Its a truth, dark and latent somewhere in my sub conscious mind. I need to carve it out and remove the dust which has rusted the glaze. So that it shines with all the armor and wit.
And now I deem I can attain it. Yes I can. Black and White is what I know now. No shades of grey. I know what to do. And so I sum it up.

I take control. I define discernity. I am the God of my own self. And I believe I’ll make the mind flow away in a smirk.

I am what I am. And I vouch to remain so.

Posted by: Utkarsh | October 15, 2008

The Radiant Awakening

Time is one apathetic bitch. You keep ogling at the ticking phenomenon and it seems to be stagnated. You sit with her for a while and it flows as if being the most impalpable creature on this living cosmopolitan. And that’s the ironical beauty of it.

I’ve beseeched, like a mendicant on his knees, to get a glimpse of the days when it was green. And I still beseech. I don’t feel like relying on words when the human himself is inconsequential. It ticks away, just like that. Shattering hopes to tiny little pieces which eventually turn into nothing but dust.

My congenital sensation leans me toward yet another semblance of Time. Death.

Death is omnipresent. With you when you drive, when you walk, when you eat, when youre alive and even when youre dead. Petrified and timid as we humans are, we squint to disaffirm its very existence. But this doesn’t sways away the mightier.

Life goes on. We indulge in things we know not of. Every second of every hour. Restraining the gravity it merits. Heedless. Untaught. Reckless. We follow patterns, rules and walk the herd. And then the mighty strikes. Like a cloud storm descending from the “above” to inundate us in all “white”. And we just look above. Defenseless. Incompetent. All which was “there” becomes void in a blip. All the cherished times, the cherished memories and the time you were with her. All abducted for the dark ages which follow.

Death is capricious. Death is as conclusive as the human being. Death is visible yet inconspicuous. Death is uncertain, yet the most certain. I have witnessed the pain and agony it brings upon. Not just to the defunct, but everything and anything which is bridged. Just takes a blink for the cataclysmic era to follow.

How do we reverberate then ? It’s artless. Enjoy life. It’s meant for it. Every breathing second. Every living hour. Time and Death are for people who are blind.

Open your eyes and you behold the bliss within and eveywhere around you.

Posted by: Utkarsh | September 7, 2008

You…

You...

You...

Everytime I talk to you I feel mirthful. Senses have given up the reminiscence of the feel and touch. They literally have. But my mind still remembers. Each and every time our hands touched and talked.

Who are you ? Where are you ? These are no longer questions I now seek. Its all carved within. And will linger there even after this mortal flesh perishes.

I now seek us in one breath. I seek you sitting beside the red oak & letting me behold the very goddess inside you. I seek togetherness. Walking down the memory lane, I die a little inside, seeing the day I left your hand. I seek the day when I hold it again. With the last bit of virility that’s left within me. So that I don’t loose it again.

Don’t contemplate. I tread the path which brings me to what I seek, what we seek. Its hard. The conflagrant sun peels away the skin from my bare feet. I take one step at a time. Sometimes your tears mitigate the burn. But that’s not what I want. As you are no better than what I am. There are things I wanna say. But words are not the best thing Ive got now.

You are the soul. You are the destiny. You are what I am. You are the light. In everything and anything which surrounds me. You are the euphoria. You are the strength. In me, of my hopes and my tread. And You make me complete. Its you everywhere. In the dark, in the light, near me, and far away too.

Nothing seems consequential. Drab is the room where I write these words. But then, the light enters and it enlightens. It finds meaning. It finds life. I close my eyes.

Its you…

No thoughts. No concept. Just a cloak of darkness acting as a veil on the numb mind. “Depression” is what they call it. And I just smile seeing them define these myriad of thoughts in single word.

Love is not something to be felt or touched or sensed. Its in the air. Not a cliche again but I believe it is. People are so hasty that they don’t see it. Wait and you behold. The very beauty and the very essence of it.

Life is vacillating these days. It looks for the bliss within. But “within” is a hollow creature which has forgotten everything. Listless, incapacitated and tired. Everything outside is heaven. But its the “within” which is averse to such contemplation. I do not tend to blame it. Its me . My thoughts and my ideas. It makes me think. Am I free. Or yet again, like every living mortal, I too am in shackles of the “material” world.

New People new hopes and new expectations. The inside is tumultuous. Do I even have to care about it. Or do I have to even compare them with the comrades Ive had and still have with me. Friendship is not about comparison. Its like love. Its happens and you sink in. Nothing superficial nothing exegetic.

In these times the only thing you remember is your confidants, who have that inconspicuous power of bringing smile to your swollen face. You talk to them once a year and it becomes a lifetime. A lifetime which you wish to live again and again.

Words have become my blunt, rusted  and deaden sword. Contending to fight the mighty  “being”.  But its too as weak and disqualified as its master.

When do I return ? Return to the days I loved. Those very lifetimes, when the “within” was joyous. I sail with the wind, with the tides. That’s all this “breaking apart” mortal could do. And now I realize. Its void within. Everything. Anything. I anticipate times when I change the sail to ride against every prognosticable event that defines my existence, my very being. As this is who I am, who I was.

I lament no more. The mind stops and the heart pumps.  Its the “within” again. After me. All over me.

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